Advert To English Translation Guide

Well, I know it's been a couple of weeks since my last posting, but there you go. Sometimes people get busy, even a starving artist like me. Although, speaking of starving, I have actually been making a concerted effort to eat something every single day, I'm a bit compulsive when it comes to sticking with proven successes though and since I discovered about a week ago that I could cook baked potatoes, that is what I have been having each and every night. Sometimes with beans, sometimes with canned spaghetti, sometimes with bacon, sometimes with cheese. Heck, I'm practically Heston Blumenthal over here with all of my culinary wizardry.

In between these feats of kitchen prowess, I have been both working on illustrations for a children's book and, as per normal, hunting for more work. Always important to try and plan ahead for when the job comes to an end.

After spending as long as I do looking at "illustrator wanted" type adverts, you begin to see patterns emerging. The same turns of phrase here and there. If you're new to the hunting game, you may just take everything you read at face value, so in the spirit of generosity and bon ami, I'm going to save you some time by translating 15 of the most commonly used idioms I have encountered in my travels.

1)      “Quite simple job” means “I’m not planning on paying much money for this”

2)      “It shouldn’t take long” means “I’m not planning on paying much money for this”

3)      “looking for a budding artist” means “I’m not planning on paying much money for this”

4)      “will create great exposure for you” means “I’m not planning on paying much money for this”

5)      “perfect for an art student” means “I’m not planning on paying much money for this”

6)      “looking for someone who has talent and is looking to break out” means…yeah, you get the idea…

7)      “OPPORTUNITY!” means “You’re going to LOVE not getting paid for this!”

8)      “this is a labour of love” means “I’m working for free, so you will be too!”

9)      “Looking for inspiring artists” means “I don’t know the difference between inspiring and aspiring AND I’m not planning on paying much money for this.”

10)   “Let’s make a name for ourselves” means “I want to be famous, anyone want to help me for free?”

11)   “Helloooooo” means “I’m whimsically insane! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaa!!”

12)   “xoxoxox” means “Lock up your bunnies....”

13)   “we have LOTS of long term potential and growth” means “but right now, we can’t afford to pay you.”

14)   “We could make something really magical and change our lives.” See number 10.

15)   “Make some extra $$$” or “GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE EXTRA CASH!!!” means “Some way, somehow, we are going to rip you off.”

I may do more on another occasion, should the need arise. But right now, I must journey ever onwards through the tangled forests of potential employment, hunting out life giving fruit in amongst the thorns and poison berries...wow...now I'm a cross between Heston Blumenthal and Bear Grylls!

If either of them were also illustrators.

Hot Rocks!

I'm not much of a news follower, it tends to be rather too depressing for my liking, one can't remain upbeat and optimistic like me if fear mongers are trying to scare the pants off you. Saying that though, occasionally a news story captures the public's attention so widely that it filters through the social networking grid and reaches my ears. The only reason I manage to find out anything about anything is by slowly piecing together clues via Tweets and statuses. So, what's captured the public's attention on so wide a scale? Well, it's actually vanity and arrogance this week.
Perhaps, like Chinese whispers, the story has altered somewhat since it originally started but I thought it seemed to be so amusing a tale I would give it a little air time on my blog.

The news piece centres around a...well, I'm assuming it's a woman, there are pictures of it in a bra... for arguments sake let's say it's a woman. Ok, the story centres around a woman who is apparently bemoaning the fact that she's so ridiculously pretty, life is actually proving to be difficult for her. She faces prejudice and discrimination on a daily basis because of her striking looks and everybody either hates her or wants to go out with her. Following her public exclamation of being so beautiful it hurts, the general consensus was one of "Are you having a laugh?" Some people laid into her looks and others laid into her arrogance. Is it just adding fuel to the fire if I commented on her looks? Attractiveness is subjective perhaps, therefore everyone is entitled to an opinion and I for one think she looks pretty hard faced.

It was argued, and quite rightly too, that if you're really so hampered by your appearance, why include so many pictures of yourself in the article? I mean, really obviously posed pictures too, like her casual "holiday in Aspen" picture.

It's probably not even Aspen, it's probably Wales.

She's also been criticised for on the one hand complaining about people treating her like nothing more than a piece of totty and then on the other hand including pictures like this:

Talk about mixed messages.

Is it wrong to shoot down someone for being weird looking if they've stood on their soap box and told the world that they're gorgeous? Surely not? I'd certainly expect it if I had the brass necked cheek to proclaim to all and sundry that I'm good looking, I certainly don't think I am, occasionally perhaps if I've really made an effort, but not with any kind of long term handsomeness that would warrant an announcement in The Times. Or in the case of this slab of unappealing arrogance, The Daily...something or other. One of those cheap tawdry rags, you know the kind I mean.

She even had the gall to do a follow up article, I have now learned that she in fact has close links with the newspaper factory which is probably why they let her write in it twice. In her follow up article she had a right tantrum about everyone being a big meany and saying she wasn't pretty, when she quite clearly was pretty, and anyone who said otherwise was just ridiculously jealous of her prettiness. So there!

Then she threw in a few more pictures of herself to labour the point that she wasn't just a bimbo who posed on hillsides and in lingerie and she was actually quite a hardy three dimensional all round action heroine.

But the public weren't convinced by her attempts at trying to be "interesting". They'd already made their mind up about this shallow and self obsessed individual and were busily Twittering and face booking and all of the other social media type of outlets that I'm probably blissfully unaware of. Eventually of course, enough people were talking about it that I caught wind of it, and it certainly amused me that there was someone so arrogantly self assured about their appearance they'd actually put an article in the paper about it. Have they never heard of modesty for goodness sakes? What country are we living in now?

Well anyway, I heard that she's planning on doing a third and final follow up article once she's finished moving house to escape from the tide of abuse she's unleashed upon herself. Unfortunately since most of the venom is online she's having to move quite a distance away.

How will we cope without the most beautiful woman in the world?

Somehow, I think, we'll get by.